Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Apropos of nothing

I really like the name Fiorello.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

This Week and John Boehner

I'm listening to John Boehner on This Week with George Stephanopolous and Boehner is saying, America wants to win in Iraq.

Can anyone tell me what conditions would have to be met for us to declare victory?

How about if we say our goal was to destabilize the region and set off a civil war? WE WON!!! AWESOME!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Cycle of...

So I've been in a real autumnal funk this season. My creative output has been low and I've been cranky and really dissatisfied by the whole podcasting and blogging thing.

But then I got an iPod and while looking for random videocasts I came across Lynch Land, Liam Lynch's very strange little video show that combines geek and stoner humor with amazing animation and video effects. You can find him on iTunes or at www.liamlynch.net

I am now fully enthused about my goofy little online presence again. Sure, I'll never be another Liam Lynch but none the less, that anyone else is putting out that kind of weirdness, gives me great encouragement. I've gone through my notebooks full of ideas that I couldn't get hammered into shape for the show and now think much of it will be on upcoming Black Tie Martini Club oddcasts.

It feels good to have that oomph back in my creativity and I hope to be entertaining you more soon. In the meantime, I still love any suggestions/requests and I do think that the Halloween Show though essentially a best of, is quite entertaining and the best I've done in a few weeks at least.

good night everybody.

back in the ussr

I have, according to the most recent statistics, more listeners to my podcast in Georgia former Soviet Republic than in Georgia, former slave state.

That hurts me President Carter, it really hurts. After all I've done for you, too!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

an afterthought on modern living

As fewer and fewer people go in for the standard get married, change the wife's name and have kids model; the security question, "What's your mother's maiden name?" becomes less and less meaningful.

I feel like something of a clown even asking it when it's the same as the person calling's name.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Help a brother out

What's the funniest name ever for a federal politician? I mean a real historical or serving one not a fictional one.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

My Drinking Problem

As I have mentioned before, I don't like the cooler months of the year. In Ohio that's most of the year. So I have attempted to turn to Alcohol. I bought a bottle of wine the other day because it's hard to buy booze in Ohio and I don't like beer. Attempting to use said bottle revealed that I didn't own a bottle opener.

Now, I've bought zillions of bottle openers in my life. It seems like I have to buy one every few months. Perhaps if I moved less often this would be less of an issue but there I was with a full bottle of vino and no opener.

I did, however, have a knife steel. So I figured I could force the cork down into the bottle and extract the boozy goodness that way. What I did not count on was the forces of barometric pressure. When you force a cork down it creates more pressure in the bottle and when the cork finally leaves the neck of the bottle there is a great POP and wine splashes all over your kitchen, your person and the whole area if your apartment is small enough. Mine is.

Tonight I bought another bottle of wine and a bottle opener. Haha! But alas the cork was insanely dry so rather than work like a bottle opener is supposed to, I wound up essentially crumbling the cork out of existence over time. Wine didn't wind up everywhere this time but it did rather commit me to finishing the bottle in one sitting.

If I could just have bought a bottle of Gin and another of Vermouth, this all would've been much much simpler. I honestly don't even know where in Cleveland one can buy vermouth. It's almost like the Beer distributors have colluded with the legislator to force a person to buy beer or wine. It's straight up easier in this town to buy marijuana than get a good martini. That's jut fucked up. As am I. Goodnight everybody.

These are the Questions

If you do something inappropriate but just a little bit so are you a Skosh Gauche?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Just a little warning

I've had the Roger Miller song that the 'Hamster Dance' is made from in my head for about a week now. I'm not saying that will manifest itself on the show in the near future but it might just drive me mad and make me start playing other hideously catchy songs that cling to your mind like oil to wildlife.

Then again... maybe not.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Another Terrible Idea

You know how many podcasts begin with big audio collage time-wasters, collections of quotes from movies or tv that are supposed to imply that because our host likes these fine clips? Which by the way is a meme I can't buy into. I mean maybe if Harry Shearer played his own clips at the opening it would prove his wit but any random person who can pick some well known movie quotes, is telling me almost nothing other than they like wasting time.

But I digress...

My idea was to do a parody of that and take the most pointless and unmemorable quotes from the greatest films of all time. The problem with that though is it takes something that is essentially boring and parodizes it by being even more boring. High concept but not especially funny.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Kiss My Ass George

http://www.kissmyassgeorge.com/

It's a site where people upload pictures of their asses and when they get 1000 of them, they're printing them on a poster and sending it to our beloved leader.

In other Bush and Butt news, there's also a George Bush Buttplug out there but it looks not much like Dubya. Just as well. Some things are just too disgusting to be near one's anus.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Better Business Beaureau

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

On the Bright Side

Sure we're losing the lives of our (primarily) young men fighting overseas for no clear reason but as more women and more older women join the armed services, the closer we get to having a MILFitary. And that's just hot.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Bathroom Talk?

I went to the men's room today at work, like a person who drinks his weight in soda every day is wont to do. I overheard some loud conversation coming from the bathroom as I approached the door so I figured that whoever was talking was on their way out. I waited a beat so as to not smack anyone with a door but they didn't come out. I opened the door cautiously and went in.

What I saw was two of the three stalls occupied by a couple of guys shitting profusely all the while talking about "The Lord". Seriously, imagine the old SNL bit with the Superfans talking about, "Da Bears" but replace that with, "Da Lord" and you have some idea of how this conversation was going in between farts, splashes paper rolls and dribbles.

One guy finished just as I was shaking and zipping at the urinal. As I approached the sink he looked at me as if to say, "What the fuck?" and I asked myself why is he looking at me like that when he's the creepy one here.

As I faced myself in the mirror I saw why. My face was frozen in horror from the whole affair. No matter how odious his behaviour may have been, no wonder he looked at me strange when I was looking at him as if I had just seen wolves raping ninjas wearing pink berets.

Remind me never to start playing poker, okay?

On the other hand

Sure it's heinous the way that Shirley Phelps blamed the Amish on the TV and Radio for being victims of a school shooting. But on the other hand, who better to diss on electronic media than the Amish who will never see/hear it?

I talk shit about all kinds of people who could read or listen to what I've said. But talking shit about the Amish is great! You get to say whatever horrible thing you want, and they never hear it. Everybody wins!

Freedom of Speech has it's limits

I know I've got a real hard on for the 1st Amendment. I think you should be able to legally yell, "fire" in a crowded theatre. I think that it should be legal for them to show porn on sesame street while screaming horrible offensive profanities.

But even I have to draw the line sometimes. Anyone who uses the phrase, "fur kids" to refer to their pets and anyone who refers to themselves as, "mommy" or "daddy" to their pets, needs to be taken back to the factory for re-programming.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Major Breakthrough in Teleportation Technology

Information and matter larger than single atoms have been teleported record distances recently. Imagine how much faster we'll be able to get porn when it's actually teleported to your computer rather than having to move at the slow-poke speed of light!

Completely Random Observation

Without the mustache and cowboy hat, Kinky Friedman (the next Governor of Texas) looks an awful lot like Al Gore.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

two observations and a clarification

Observation one: Today I saw a man wearing a "Hustler" shirt. Not from the magazine but still indicating his pimptasticness. He was walking down the street with his six year old daughter. Really? You couldn't put on a different shirt while walking with a wee little girl?

Observation two: I have to walk down a quarter mile, flourescent lit, beige hallway to get to my office. Listening to the Ed Wood main title theme while doing so, makes a creepy walk 100% creepier.

Clarification: A new show may not come till Friday because I don't currently have internet access at home. I might, however, record one and try to post it from work.

Monday, October 02, 2006

On this special day

It's the day of atonement muthafuckas
Repent *Bitches!

I'm having cheeseburgers.



*in this context, 'bitches' is a completely unisex term