Private Dicks

First of all, I have to show you this:
Aren't they the cutest couple?

Coming up on this week's show:

• Offensive Cereal
• Gay Cops
• The Coke Challenge
• And Much Much More!

It occurred to me this week that if you take the stylized verbiage of classic pulp crime fiction and throw homosexuality into it, there's an awful lot of unintended double entendre. You could probably stage dramatizations of old noir tales with an obviously gay lead and get laughs for days.

Think about the lingo: There's a lot of talk about partners, "When a guy's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it.", Rods, "I felt his rod press into my back and did what he said.", Dicks, "A chill went through me when I saw those dicks enter the room; I had to do something fast.", plus guys getting fingered, guys getting pinched, guys taking it on the chin and going down hard, and just about everybody has to blow sooner or later.

It wouldn't be at all out of place for someone to incorporate it all into a narrative like this. "When I saw the dick, I knew someone had squawked and I had been fingered. I grabbed my rod and let him know he was going to have it hard if he tried to pinch me. The seamus came closer and took it hard on the chin and went down. I knew right then I had to blow and blow good if I wanted to stay out of the can."

Thank god for the Hayes code, eh?

Bonus Post: The Text of the song

If anyone wants a copy without a talk up just email me and I'll mail you the MP3

I am the very model of a bad attorney General

I've information criminal immoral and unethical

I know the chief executive I have supported him for years

Even when he would do cocaine and used to drink a lot of beers

I'm very well acquainted, too, with all matters political 

I wrote the defense of torture though it is hypocritical

I invented the theory of the unified executive

Whatever my boss wants to do, is only his perogative

Whatever his boss wants to do, is only his perogative

Whatever his boss wants to do, is only his perogative

Whatever his boss wants to do, is only his peroga-agog-ative

I'm very good at mangling anything that is logical

I argued habeas corpus was not quite constitutional

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

I am the very model of a bad attorney General

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

He is the very model of a bad attorney General

To me those checks and balances are merely something trivial

And the Geneva conventions are merely something optional

International laws I feel should be considered much more vague

Or one day we will be on trial for war crimes in front of the hague

I believe all abuse of power is thoroughly acceptable

I even fired prosecutors for reasons quite political

I data mine your phone records, your wire transfers and other things

I feel its quite acceptable to spy upon our citizens

He feels its quite acceptable to spy upon our citizens

He feels its quite acceptable to spy upon our citizens

He feels its quite acceptable to spy upon our citi-citi-zens

Then with a simple signing statement I can just ignore a bill

Even though legislation is supposed to come from on the hill

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

I am the very model of a bad attorney General

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

He is the very model of a bad attorney General

When testifying I may seem to know almost nothing at all

To congress I can only say that I just really can’t recall

They’ve really made a fool of me, though I am the president’s voice

I’ll never be a supreme court justice because I am pro-choice

Even John Ashcroft thinks that I have overstepped my legal role

And turned the Department of Justice into the worst kind of hole

In short, when my record is looked at in the light of history

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a gee

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a gee

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a gee

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a sat a gee

My history is one of hard work and one of due diligence

A lowly son of immigrants who has risen to prominence

But still, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

I am the very model of a bad Attorney General

But still, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

He is the very model of a bad Attorney General

The Great American Blowhard

First of all, I have to apologize for thinking of the title after I did the show. If I had started from the Great American Blowhard premise, I would've taken more people down a peg. I would've mentioned that Tyra Banks is in the Time 100 list for saying it's okay to be fat even though she spent a month in the tabloids railing against paparazzi who took a picture of her where she looked fat. I would've mentioned a thing or two about the man who pushes abstinence for the White House resigning because his name was on a list of johns. And most importantly I would've taken shots and not only George Tenet but all the people in the media who feel that taking him down a peg for not speaking up when it mattered, takes them off the hook for not speaking up when it mattered. But enough of that, there's a corpse to dissect and lets get hopping

Intro-

Don't bother trying to reverse the backward masking portion of the intro, if it was interesting played forward, I wouldn't have reversed it.

If I sound a little manic during the into, it's only because I had been recording for a very long time at that point and was having one of those nights where every time I hit record, my upstairs neighbors would run back and forth in their apartment. The sound of that recorded is not entirely unlike the sound of pachyderms playing tennis. So I was a little edgy at having to spend an incredibly long time at something so simple

The First Church of American Atheism-

This began as the concept of Stripper Church many years ago when I read a news story about Alabama banning the sale of sex toys. It occurred to me at that time that if one made the sale of sex toys part of their religion, they could still sell them in church no matter how repressive a bible belt state they lived in.

Since then, any time anything is banned or otherwise restricted,. I cannot help but think that some church with come along and make that part of it and skirt the law that way. Hell if American Indians can smoke Peyote and Christian Scientists can keep medicine from their kids, why not a church that lets you just do what the hell you want.

The Very Model of A Bad Attorney General-

Okay folks, I have never sung light opera before. I've never even heard the real version of the song, only other parodies. And yet, I felt urged on to make fun of Gonzales in this way. It would be better if someone who didn't smoke constantly tried to sing it though. I can't deny that.

The Carnival Hunk-

It started with eating fire. I thought it would be easy to get the sound effect portion recorded but it turns out all the things I tried to record were too quiet to sound like much. Because I record on a computer, there is an awful lot of fan noise in the room. That's a major reason why I almost always have music behind me when I speak. Anyway, I soldiered on and tried to cover the not so well executed concept with a lot of bluster. This bluster reminded me of Tom Waits' Carnival Talker character in the song, which reminded me of the Coasters, which reminded me of Groucho and hence a theme was born. The part of fire was played by a bag of floss picks and a slice of home made spinach and pepperoni stuffed pizza. It was delicious.

Scrotum Ironing-

I believe this came as a response to some wrinkle cream that was supposed to remove wrinkles from people who were old enough to have them. I don't really get why you'd want to do that. If you've earned them, they usually look pretty cool, at least to me. Anyway, I thought of where else you might unnaturally try to remove wrinkles and the scrotum came to mind. I think the fact that I had failed with sound effects on the Fire Eating bit, made me overdo the sound effects here but I like overdone sound effects most of the time because I do like sound effects and can just listen to them all day for no reason. It's a curse.

Obviously the Bob Wills song is just a cheap ball gag... not a ball gag like to gag on but... oh never mind. By the way do you ever think about how scrotum rhymes with throat em? I once saw a small time Chicago rock act use that rhyme in a song, a long time ago, and I've been incredibly jealous ever since.

Public Radio Talent Contest

Coming up on this week's show:

• Lucky Charms Gone Bad
• Alberto Gonzales Sings The Blues
• Stupid Carnival Tricks
  
• and much much more.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Before we go any further, go here http://www.publicradioquest.com/node/622 and vote for yours truly, please. It's a radio style reality show and the ultimate winner gets their chance to produce and pitch their own Public Radio program. Vote for me now, and I'll totally hook you up with a tote bag later when I'm kicking it with Carl Kasel.

Bali Haijinx

Should I maybe do a Bali Haiku?

I love Bali Hai
It Is The Immigrant Song
Downtown Stuck In Head

Seriously, the show mostly speaks for itself. It's all based on a true story. Although, I'll tell you the best place to find Musical Oddities: shoddity.com
That's where I got both Johnny Puleo and the version of Poor People of Paris I played.

But get this, the guy who requested Downtown as William S. Burroughs, he didn't like the version so well. It was too produced, he wanted Burroughs to just recite it. Exactly how he didn't request it.

The Lighter Side of School Shootings (recap)

So, what do you think? Was it too soon?

I didn't really mean to go off on the shooting in quite that way. Obviously, the hypocrisy of the National Tragedy vs. all the other comparable "unimportant" tragedy was something that had me riled up all week, especially after the White House Correspondent's Dinner. But it wasn't until I was putting the show together that I realized I had a couple other songs that were songs about actual school shootings.

When it hit me how nearly everyone of a certain age has sung, "I Don't Like Mondays" including most of the people who have lost their minds over this National Tragedy, the absurdity of that was like a slap in the face and I had to push hard in the opposite direction.

So far, no one has actually complained but I wouldn't exactly blame them if they did. It may have been a bit much.

I had thought of the Hey Cho bit as soon as I heard his name. I thought of another similar parody too but had decided early on that either one would be too insensitive even for me. If it wasn't for the Sunday chat shows and the over analysis of the whole thing, the politicizing of it by both sides, I would've just made it a short little pre-best of show.

I was pretty well whupped from the extremely harsh work week. I really had planned on not mentioning the shootings at all. The best laid plans, eh?

Anyway, I'm sorry if it was too soon for anyone but it is true that there will be a time when we do laugh at it, when it becomes a punchline... or is completely forgotten about. One of the two.

Nothing to say but something to see

Still exahusted. Still looking to pass out any second now.

But first, you have to dig this poster Death and Taxes: A Visual Guide to Where Your Federal Tax Dollars Go

This may not be a website where you can actually see your literal contribution to each agency but it is the next best thing and quite impressive in it's own right. I can only assume that next weeks show will be less preachy and the best of shows are very entertaining. At least for me they are.