Mediocre Media Core (recap)

• CSIHOP - came from a discussion with Laurence Simon where I went through a painful variety of other CSI antecedents. CSITUNES, CSIRAN etc.
• Specials - I just don't like the interruption to normal every day life which is more fun than "the holidays"
• Carpathian Tunnel Syndrome - this pun literally came to me in a dream. That's right, I dream in puns. Don't you feel superior now?
• PSA - Sometimes it's just fun to monkey about with sound effects
• Humpty Dumpty - This came from listening to the Steve Dahl show a couple weeks ago. They were talking about albumin because they don't like runny eggs and this bit hatched in my head. There actually is some small controversy about the history of the rhyme. Most people think it's a riddle the answer to which is 'an egg'. But some think it's older than that and refers back to certain historical battles. I learn the weirdest stuff trying to find background info for these stupid sketches
• Blonde White Girl Network - I guess this is really my 2007 wrap up. Seems like all year I just heard about Blonde White Girls instead of news.
  
• Writer's Strike - Would you believe I actually paid money to produce this 40 second joke? I had to buy the mic feedback sound effect. I'm an idiot
  

We Should Be Better

Coming up on this weekends show:

• The media core and the mediocre
• An in depth report on Humpty Dumpty
• What would Hitler watch (hint it's not anything to do with The Jews)
• The Writer's Strike Continues
• Much Much More?

So this morning we all wake up to see that Benazir Bhutto has been assassinated. Okay, that's not a huge surprise to anyone and I have to admit I don't have strong feelings about it other than that I'm not a big fan of assassination.

What's surprised me today is the venom I've seen spewed at the victim. I've never seen any victim of what is essentially political terrorism be so vilified so soon. Crazy right wingers are pulling out every allegation ever made about her as if they are all 100% true and crazy left wingers are rising to the bait and defending her.

I tried checking out the middle line on her today a bit and results come up inconclusive. We know she was smart, having gone to Harvard and Oxford. She was charismatic and all first hand accounts of her say she seemed to have real passion for leadership. She supported the Taliban and then later admitted it was a mistake to have done so. Kind of like how we supported Bin Laden when he was fighting the Rooskies only we don't much like to talk about that. She was accused of a great deal of corruption which may have been purely political or may have been valid.

I'm not going to lie and say I knew much about her or that I was a big fan. I don't and I'm not. I didn't know enough about her to hate her either. What I do know is that no matter who it is, when they are brought down by a terrorist attack, you don't start jumping up and down saying how great it was. I understand the impulse, I really do. When that movie came out about George W. Bush being assassinated, I was amused. I felt that kind of sick glee about the notion of being rid of such an odious murderer. But that was in a movie, a fantasy. I'd like to think that if such a thing really happened we, and the world, would be more outraged at the violent death than pleased. Otherwise what does that say about us?

I remember hearing about a relation of mine that when Martin Luther King Jr. was shot down he said, "It's about time somebody killed that nigger." Now I'm not equating King and Bhutto but when you celebrate murder, you debase yourself considerably.

ACleveland Yankee in King Razzap's Court Over The Rainbow and Waiting for Godot

The only song in this show was Cool Yule by Louis Armstrong

I'm afraid I have to go about this in a scattershot manner because that's how this week's show was written. Primarily this blog exists to, and yes this is the most pompous thing I've ever said, chronicle the creative process that gets this show in your ears every week.

The Duel - This show started back when I didn't have internet access and so had no podcasts to listen to. One of the songs that came up on shuffle was The Devil's Gallop, a light classical favorite that is the music you hear behind the sword fight.

I've had this track downloaded for over a year but when it popped up a month or so ago as I was waiting for the bus I immediately thought, "Sword Fight!" At the time I imagined it being the climactic ending to some Razzap Snookums adventure .

The Wizard of Oz Ending - I imagined the swordfight going over a cliff not unlike the death of Sherlock Holmes and his arch enemy Moriarty but then how could I end the show? Aha! I could do a ripoff... I mean homage of the Wizard of Oz and that would let me get all my plugs in without using up all of the end credits.

The Intro - I vacillated between doing a Wizard of Oz beginning where I complained about boredom and sang over the rainbow but at the same time I was also thinking of the intro basically how it stands. The main difference between the intro as initially conceptualized and the way it plays in the actual show is the list. I was still operating under the notion that Razzap would be the villain in this show and that he would be zapping me back for some nefarious purpose.

The Knight - This scene is an obvious allusion to or again ripoff of, the scene in Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court where the Yankee is captured by a knight. Quite fortuitously I had been looking at iGoogle as my homepage where I have the Shakespearian Insult Generator which sometimes makes up new insults and sometimes uses actual insults from Shakespearian plays. I thought it would be entertaining to have the knight use the best writer of the English language instead of my sorry putdowns.

Two other points on this scene. 1. I stole the line ,"yeah... Sharks are peckers" from a Second Life DJ named Speelo who is something of a Jazzbo. Get him to tell the story of "Yeah... Sharks are peckers" and you will be amused. 2. I stole the concept of changing a violent duel to an insult duel from an episode of Benson that I saw one time as a small child and it stuck with me ever since. I know that the writers of Benson were not the first people to use this idea but I wasn't stealing it from the original source, I was stealing it from 80's sitcoms and the great Robert Guillaume.

Dunstable The Unstable Existentialist - Three quarters through working on this thing I decided it would be better if Razzap and Caleb had to team up against a stronger villain. Except for trying to blow Caleb up from time to time, Razzap's a pretty nice martian and most of the time Caleb's suspicions are unfounded and perhaps based on a certain bigotry towards little green men. I thought it would be interesting to monkey with the dynamic of their relationship by making them work together.

But the question left then is what kind of a villain would be a suitable nemesis for Razzap Snookums who claims to be a villain himself and who has such megalomaniacal aspirations? The villain couldn't be more into world domination without being essentially a clone of Razzap Snookums. An all powerful but completely enigmatic villain seemed the perfect counterpoint to Razz's unknown power and obvious goals.

The rest pretty much was filling in the spaces to get from one thing to another.

Questions? Comments? Suggestions?

A Holiday Message

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• Razzap Snookums
• Knights in shining armor
• Shakespearian insults
• Sword-fighting
• Existentialism
• and much much more!

It's important at this time to remember the true meaning of the holidays. It isn't about giving gifts or tradition or religion, or even spending time with family and friends. At the heart of the whole holiday season is getting something for nothing.

Not only do we try to work it out so that we give good enough gifts to ensure getting good gifts in return but we also get time off of work. At the end of things if you spent more on travel and gifts etc. than you made in presents and the time you were paid for not working, you lose. But if you take in more than you spend, you win.

It's the basic economic model on which we base our whole society. What could be more beautiful?

Filler Recap

The playlist:

• Tell Me - Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
• Darn That Dream - George Shearing
• When the Other Foot Drops, Uncle - Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
• Blue Thoughts - Chet Baker
• 100 Days, 100 Nights - Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings

Hashish is there - I found this in my notebook, I don't remember writing it at all. Weird, no?

Intro - Hey at least I'm honest. That Tragedy car is gone now. *phew*

Greenland Resorts - The ice melt is actually closer to 200 square kilometers a year not coming back. I wrote this as I was falling asleep when I heard that fact on the National Geographic podcast.

CIA Theatre - Had I not been a procrastinator, I would've gotten someone else to play the part of Tina. And some day I might get phone sound effect that isn't from the 50's. Probably not though. Anyway, 200 HOURS?!?!? and we're not more upset? They were specifically told not to do that. The 9/11 commission requested the tapes and were told they didn't exist! You wouldn't trust your children with that kind of accountability how can you trust NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE?!?

Rant - eh, it's not called filler for nothing

Come and Go - I'd use that service and I don't even have a car or any clothes that need dry cleaning.

Words (recap)

songs played:

• Words - The Monkees
• My Baby Loves a Bunch of Authors - Moxy Fruvous

Three and a half day adventists - Honestly, I don't even know what an adventist is nor why they take so long.

Ted McGinley - I was going to make this a longer piece recapping some of my other wacky peace in the middle east ideas but it was boring. And it did set the scene for the whole reference thing

Ben Cohen - Seriously, you could make this holiday into something really meaningful if you took the God part out of it. We really have made almost impossible strides when it comes to water use. This is one of those things where Govt intervention helped kickstart things. Businesses got all pissed about the restrictions and then rather than give up, they innovated like hell so they stopped polluting and used less water to begin with. way to go! Happy Hanukkah!

Pompous Talking - I listen to a BBC show called Start the Week that is loosely based on. The real show has a collection of interesting guests discussing each other's work. I also really dig the Freakonomics blog and have jumped on the economics bandwagon that studies almost anything through the filter of negotiations and incentives I was curious to see how words stacked up. Obviously it's a skosh illogical but it does seem that people are talking more these days and saying no more. I apologize for the fact that Arnold P. Troutbottom's accent was so fleeting. I was trying to do an old school New England accent but I obviously don't do well at it.

The Librarian - this is embarassing but I started this sketch over a year ago but could never finish it. I imagined it as more like The Hulk Tv Show. For some reason it popped into my head this week as a western which lead to theme which led to me actually finishing it. By the way, The Marquis de Sade as a writer was abyssmal! Content aside, your average slash porn makes as much sense and flows better linguistically. Still I suppose he was a pioneer of bad literature.

Pentecostal Hospitals - That music made glossolalia pop out of my head. No clue why. Six months ago I didn't know that glossolalia was called glossolalia. Now I can't stop saying glossolalia.

Post Thanksgiving Hibernation

To start with here is the playlist for last week's show:

1. Black Friday - Steely Dan
2. Bubbles in the Wine - Lloyd Mumm and His Starlight Roof Orchestra
3. I can't get started/Round Midnight - Dizzy Gillespie
4. Vamp Finish - Messer Chups
5. Malia -Hal Aloma and his Orchestra
6. Bears - Lyle Lovett

Dominatrix Decorators - No clue where that came from. Just a random free association

B lowing up Balloons - One of the things that my new computer has is a TV tuner and right before the holiday I got myself an antenna. I haven't had a TV in years so this is all brand spanking new to me. This bit came from a story about them having a party with the blowing up balloons ceremony the day before the Macy's Day Parade. Obviously, I misheard "Blowing Up"

Thanksgiving- This too came from seeing all the zillions of cheap advertising campaigns based on the holiday and the Black Friday anticipation. I just took it to it's illogical extreme.

Uganda - This story, as I mentioned, came from The Economist newspaper. It's an article I clipped back in the days when I had no PC or online access. It just struck me how great half of the salary I make for talking to old people is to people in a place I wouldn't be for ten times the income.

Mail Bag - this is a true story. Based on real events and weird correspondence

1-900-COMPLAIN - I work tech support for old people dealing with a MASSIVE health care system and often have to sit through people just bitching at the system though they know I can't really do anything about their issues. Again, I just took this to it's illogical extreme.

Political Revolution - This just seems like a good idea to me. I tried making it as interesting a presentation as I could without going too far into the ramifications. Believe me, this could've been twice as long if I didn't edit out a ton of examples, assuming that you, the listener, could figure most of this out yourself

Inuit Folklore - This came as a direct result of listening to Nanook the Schnook. A Martin and Lewis broadcast from the 50's where the radio play they put on was set in the frozen tundra. As I listened I was waiting for a bus Saturday night, freezing my ass off. I just thought, how wrong could one do an 'eskimo story' The rest just followed from there. Before I settled on the story, I tried finding a traditional inuit folk legend but the stories are as harsh as the climate, and much less pleasant than my silly little fairy tale.

I apologize for the fact that the transitions in this show went from me talking as me to me talking as me most of the time. I'd have put more songs in between to help the flow but that would've made the show even longer. What do you think? Should I have made the show longer and less talky or was it okay to just go from one similar piece to another? I'm on the fence, artistically on this one. It probably could've been a shorter and more various show.

Welcome Back Caleb (redux)

Hey everybody! It sure is good to be putting out shows again. Sorry that the feed is a little wonky but you can still get the show on the website until iTunes catches up. Remember, you can usually go here to find out about these things or you can email me. You know the address by now, no?

The coffee bit came to me literally in my sleep. Just one non-sequitur stream of consciousness into another. Had a really hard time with this voice though. I kept trying to slip into Ben Cohen.

A Modest Farm Bill Proposal came from an article about the 10 billion dollar pot crop in California. I was reading that article around the same time as I was listening to a news story about the farm bill. Just like people find meaning in disassociated events to lend credence to astrologers or find shapes in abstract art or clouds, my brain did the same thing with the two stories and combined them quite illogically. I made the mistake of writing this whole thing out though and I like the way I perform these better when I just write down the beats I have to hit and riffing live. That's just a byproduct of not having a computer to work on for so long though.

Duelling Burroughs. This one, like the Chocolate Moses song, came from a discussion or series of discussions with Laurence Simon of http://podcasting.isfullofcrap.com I heartily suggest talking to him about almost anything. Before you know it, you'll both be riffing and brilliant ideas will pop into your head. Or, ideas like William S. Burroughs doing a talk show in hell where he interviews himself will pop into your head. That might not be brilliant, but it's certainly unusual.

Also, I had this thought recently, I should put a dead on William S Burroughs impression on my résumé under special skills. I don't know that it would help me get work but where it was appreciated would be a place I could really thrive... I think.

Snoop Dogg I know, I can't do an impersonation of Snoop Dogg and this is a little sloppy. None the less, it's been stuck in my head for a month and I had to get it out. Sorry.

Chocolate Moses oh yeah, I also do something of a Tom Waits impersonation. That's practical, eh?

Okay, let's hope this doesn't take another month to do another show, and let's also hope that iTunes get's things together.

We're BA-ACK

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am proud to say that there will be a show this weekend.

I apologize for the extended hiatus but there was a whole mess of technical difficulty which I wrote about earlier.

so coming up on this week's show might be:

• Fun with the FARM BILL!
• Amish Consulting
• Cocaine
• Much Much More?
  

The story so far

I apologize but the Black Tie Martini Club is still having technical difficulties. Here's the rundown about what happened in lieu of content

• I woke up one morning and the machine was dead so I futzed and futzed and got it functioning again and went to work
• When I got home, the machine wouldn't power up at all
• Thinking it was the physical on/off button I pulled the wires and tried hotwiring it to start (kids don't try this at home it doesn't work)
• Thinking it was the Power Supply I ordered a new power supply and case
• After moving everything into the new case, it still wouldn't power up. I realized that the CMOS jumper had fallen off, once replaced, it started right up but windows wouldn't load
• So I bought a new copy of XP because I don't have the disc anymore from the previous install
• XP can't install I get and unexpected error so I call Microsoft
• Microsoft thinks it's the disc so I exchange the disc for another and get the same error
• I think maybe it's my disc drive because I am getting my unexpected error in that drive so I borrow a CD ROM and try again but still get the same error.
• A fan, one of you, loans me money to buy a new computer because they can so I order a sweet new computer from Gateway
• I stay home from work to get it on the day it is to arrive but they UPS guy delivers it to my workplace without telling me.
• The next day I get it home from work, which is fun on a bus, plug it in and it doesn't quite work right
• The drivers are all screwy so I call Gateway
• Gateway has me reinstall from the backup disc but that does nothing but take away all the fancy OEM software it came with
• I download the drivers it's supposed to be missing from work and load them onto the machine including the updated BIOS drivers... which kills the machine dead
• Apparently my computer had the wrong motherboard for the style computer it was
• I carry the computer back to work and from here I will mail it back to Gateway and they will mail me another computer or one that is actually fixed a process which should take about two more weeks from the time of this writing.

That's the story so far i guess I can start writing the bits out that have expired here too as they become less than topical.

For example, I was going to do a parody of Ellen DeGeneres' Dog Adoption Breakdown where I freak out about an issue with my Adopt-A-Highway stretch of road going wrong but the time for that has long past.

Again, I'm very sorry to be in forced hiatus for what looks like is going to be at least a month, I miss you all and my silly little show very much. Thanks for all the kind messages. It'll be back... eventually.

A new hope

No time to rant now kiddies, I should be up and running enough by this weekend to not podfade for a third week in a row but seeing as how I don't have my computer yet and everything has to be re-added, I'm making no promises.

Till then...

Technical Difficulties

I have not officially podfaded yet, friends, but my PC has. Programming will be interrupted until I once again have a working machine. I apologize for the inconvenience. Yes, the website is down too for the moment, I was unable to pay the bill online because I don't have a computer at home. Uh... if you want to get things up and running sooner than later, send money. Meanwhile I'm still writing and so you'll probably get some really strange and un-topical shows when things re-commence.

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• The Black Moses
• Chocolate Moses
• Some other kind of Moses?

Fact Check had an interesting article http://www.factcheck.org/specialreports/cognitive_science_and_factcheckorg_or_why_we.html explaining somewhat the reason behind why they do what they do and it comes down to this:

"a study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology by the University of Southern California’s Peter Kim shows that meeting a charge (regardless of its truth or falsity) with silence increases the chances that others will believe the claim. Giving false claims a free pass, in other words, is more likely to result in false beliefs "

There's not much more I can add to that. Just keep it in mind. When people make false assertions around you, when people say things that seem wrong, stop them. Point out their error or ask them to prove their assertions. Make them stop and think. It might not change their mind, it might not change their lives but it just might make some cumulative difference when combined with others.

Remember the only thing holding us back from being the people we'd like to be, is us.

The Case of the Flight of the Bumblebees (Recap)

I think that show pretty much spoke for itself but if you're curious to find out what else those people do you can find them at:

http://daphneandtamara.libsyn.com/
http://isfullofcrap.com/
http://www.blakslee.com/

Also, the whole thing was set off by either the New York Times Science Podcast or the National Geographic Science Podcast where they talked about Colony Kill, possible causes and the fact that some people were breaking out the conspiracy theories because no masses of dead bees have been found.

The reason why, in case you're curious, is that whatever doesn't evaporate gets eaten. They're all protein and water.

GOOD TIMES (redux)

Look at me updating on time like a good boy, how unusual!

• The Santana bit is completely true.
• On the Blackwater Vs. Private Contractors issue I should point out that some of the private contractors are doing jobs where they are being paid great sums of money for risky work that isn't security related and some people feel that the military might be able to better do some of these jobs. However it's not like they constitute a private Bushista Army. Sorry Lefties, you're a little whack on this one.
• The angel bit came from an Idea I had while dealing with some irrational customer at work. I suggested that we hire a group of actors to play prophets/religious figures etc. to tell people to do what all of our focus tested instructions and FAQs tell them when it was pointed out... perhaps by me, that people tend to only listen to what they agree with even when it comes to Commandments. And thusly the Angel/Devil mixup was born
• The GAO piece wasn't really about the war per se just about the ministerial aspects of reforming the govt and govt services. Still, you can get an RSS feed or daily email with all the new GAO reports every day and it's almost always interesting albeit pedantic.
  

Goodbye Marcel & Republican Dance Party (recap)

First of all, sorry about the lack of bloggage lately but A. my internet has been spotty, B. I've been busy, and of course C. I'm not sure anyone's actually reading this.

• The pantomime sketch

I'm not sure exactly how well this one worked, I'll be honest. I like the idea of pantomiming the completely intangible but I think it may have run a little too long. Good idea, perhaps not the best execution.

• Marceau by the Sea

This is written and performed by Freereed Freenote who is my second life neighbor. She currently has a little podcast where she reads her stories and you can find that here: http://freereedstorytime.podomatic.com/ She also wrote this next piece

• The Artist's Kaddish for Marcel Marceau Mangel

She actually has a whole gallery set up in Second Life dedicated to the memory of M. Mangel who has touched her life quite deeply.

• Chicken Fried Watermelon

This comes from two things: Some people I saw stereotyping themselves in such a way as to make Bill Cosby fly into a murderous rage and Romney, Rudy, McCain, and that other guy ignoring the debate on matters of race because they had "scheduling conflicts"

• Paranoia

I was reading this article http://www.newsday.com/news/local/newyork/ny-nyroc245387882sep24,0,2760679.story and it struck me as a perfect halloween tale of terror. Well... it would be perfect if it weren't true. Notice though that no actual explanation was ever given as to who was following her and there were never any charges filed so it's possible that Flynn is making this up.

• Blackwater (Cheney Mix)

Tom of Footnote http://footnote.libsyn.com/ suggested doing a parody of the Doobies about the latest Blackwater news. Seriously, the provisional Govt. said, "get out" but the U.S. said, "nope we need them". If the Iraqi government had insisted and we stayed we would've absolutely been seen as colonial occupiers so the Iraqis said, "Okay okay, you can stay".

The Cheney clip is from a recently YouTubed video from 94. It's nothing Cheney hasn't said before and the actual clip is 4 minutes long but I didn't edit out any context or anything. Mind you, I'm not saying with 100% certainty that our involvement in Iraq and Mr. Cheney's change of heart (so to speak) is because former companies of his and many of his pals and cronies are profiting monetarily from our continued presence 'in country'. I'm just saying it's a plausible explanation and there aren't many of those to go around.

Choose Your Own Ad-Kvetch-Ure

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• Poodles
• Soap Box Opera
• The Robot returns
• My "Neighbors"
• Don MacLean
• Much much more!

Oh there's so much to rant about, which would you like: Jena 6, Jesse Jackson, Republican Scaredy-Cats, 9/11 workers getting screwed, Huffington Post missing the point completely, Republican candidates solidly cementing their reputation as bigotry?

Let me know which you'd like to hear ranted on, I could do a whole show on any of those topics... but such a show wouldn't be terribly entertaining I fear.

Innocence Lost (Redux)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I apologize if this program was too serious and too "issue" oriented.

I understand that I have a certain responsibility as an "entertainer" to amuse. Normally I won't try to take on an issue unless I can do it with some humor or at least brevity. This idea started out as a funny one where I'd point up the folly of the talking head who said Ramadan increased violence

Next week we'll be back with more madcap zaniness though. I've already got some things written.

Please though, check out Iraq Body Count http://www.iraqbodycount.org/ See if it doesn't give you pause as well when you look in detail at the people as people instead of numbers.

Psst! Season one available here:

As I mentioned on Monday's show, if you go to the Black Tie Martini Club on Nowhereville in Second Life, you can listen to the fabled First Season of the Oddcast during the day. If you can't find the martini club on nowhereville... look for the giant pink elephant... it's under there.

If you can't get into Second Life, or can't get into it during the day, here's the site that streams the first season of the Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast during the day. http://bluedog.wavestreamer.com:5472/

I can't have too many people on there at once so don't leave it on and walk away please but feel free to listen and catch up, if you need to.

Orange (redux)

• Franks - Honestly, I don't know why this popped into my head. I guess I must've been listening to a version of, "I Wanna Be Around" and started singing other words. I actually bear no malice toward Mr. Bennett nor do I do a very good impersonation of him. C'est La'vie.
• The Nowhereville deal - Here's the thing kiddies, I'm very excited to make these episodes available somewhere even if it only is in SL. so come on along. Of course if this becomes a popular destination, I'm going to hit you up for donations so that I can buy a cheap computer to use as a dedicated server for the old shows.
• Tartaglia & Sons - A friend of mine is a home contractor. She was complaining about how a client owed her $1000.00. Personally, I haven't seen that much money at one time in a long long time so to not take that sum out of their hide, seems criminal to me
• Ben Cohen - This obviously came from a real story about mold and depression... I was probably hungry too, huh? This was written and recorded at about 4 in the morning last week one morning when i was still up and had to be at work in a couple hours. I should drink (ie. 'sleep') more.
• Happiness is a warm gun - ties into both a way to defeat the aforementioned depression and the following piece about guns. I love a segue!
• Guns - Honestly, when I had the idea of doing this, I thought I would find something that I can firmly stand with the right wing on. I looked some of this stuff up once before and was swayed from believing that guns = crime and injury/death to believing that people with guns are safer... looking into it more closely now, I don't know what to believe other than politicians should either actually work to find answers to these questions or shut the hell up
• SPAM Poetry - This was a real SPAM Poem. like most of you, I get many every day. For reasons I can't quite understand, some stand out with their own beauty. The 'Aerosmith' mistake was real. I just left it in because I hoped it would amuse you as much as me
• ORANGE - Seriously, I listened to Petraus talk ALL WEEKEND when nobody actually knew what he was going to say. Couldn't we do with a little less Political Prognostication and focus on analysis of what has ACTUALLY HAPPENED?!? it's not like there was any shortage of interesting things happening in the news. But if you're still reading this, you probably already know my feelings on that.
  

Sacrifice

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• Spam Poetry
• Mold
• Pizza Commercials
• The Mob Helps Small Business
• much much more?

So it's been a little while since I've done even a mini rant but I was listening to some old Abbott & Costello programs (as if there are new ones?) and the talk about all the rationing in WWII got me thinking.

The president has made it clear that the best way we can support the war is by not questioning and by not sacrificing. Heck this is the first war in history where taxes were lowered to fight a war, of course if we could say the same for the debt, we'd be all set. And the reason they haven't asked us to sacrifice is that they feel like we're so petulant that we wouldn't support the war at all if it interfered with our way of life.

I think they might have that backwards. Sure we'd all complain about gas rationing or meat rationing, or tax increases on top of rubber or metal drives to support the war effort but we'd feel connected too. Right now the majority of us that don't know anyone personally in the service don't have the kind of connection, the kind of personal investment that our grandparents and great grandparents did in WWII.

You might argue that this war isn't like WWII, we're not fighting against any kind of Hitler there's no super army trying to reinvent the whole map but many Americans felt that Hitler was of no concern to us anyway. He was Europe's problem not ours. But once our boys were over there fighting, we changed our tune 100%

Maybe we were just more into 'supporting the troops' then but I don't think so. When is the last time you heard anyone left or right say that they didn't support the troops. True, some think support means helping them to win while others think that support means getting them out of harms way but nobody is against the troops. I think it's that we all felt a vested interest. If we were going to have to sacrifice anyway, we damned well were going to win. That's what America does.

Now, I'm not for this war. I'd be pissed off if I had to ration or give up anything for it but I think if I felt connected to it on a more personal level I might be more likely to support it.

Then again... maybe nobody was for this war enough to sacrifice personally whereas they were when it came to Hitler. I guess we'll never know.

Coming soon:

I have no clue what's going to be on this weekend's show. It's another weekend of existential angst while I try to pull a show out of my ass.

Untitled Show # 12 & 35 (redux)

• Bullseye Stores: this comes from the recent Target commercials about how they're your back to school store, then they advertise a bunch of products that aren't what anyone remembers from college. I just tried to equalize that.
• Intro: I've been reading this book called, Aint Nobody's Business if I Do which is basically about the absurdity of making consensual activities illegal. It occured to me that one really could make as good an argument against caffeine as many illegal drugs. Also there was a recent news story about the girl who went to the hospital.
• Carlos Mencia: Okay, I know my Mencia impersonation is horrible, sorry. But we remake songs all the time, everyone is okay with that. We remake movies regularly, you'll see a repertoiry company do a play but poor Carlos steals other people's material and he's villified?!? Hardly seems fair.
• Camel: I love this song of mine, however, since 9/11/01 people think it's political even though it was written about ten years ago and is just a collection of rhymes that make me laugh
• Sending a Message to Our Enemies: I think this speaks for itself. Seriously though, who are our enemies and how many messages can we send by discussion? Isn't discussion, the open debate of ideas the whole point of a democracy?
• Spider Man: I just love this version of that song but I love all versions. It, the original, is surprisingly tough to play, we used to do it in the Black Tie Martini Club (the band). It's much faster and with more complicated harmonies than most songs.
• Vagina Subsidy: obviously this is influenced by the aforementioned libertarian book... and my love of saying Vagina Subsidy
• 1-900-GOOD-NAP: uh... I don't want to share... this one's personal.
• Je T'Aime... Mais Non Plus: This one's even more personal.

Goodnight Everybody!

From the correspondence file: Villains (coda)

Dear Baleb Cullen,

Thank you for your recent purchase of our services.While we were not able to come to an arraignment at this time, we hope to do business with you in the future.

Please accept this gift (attached Package) as a sign of our appreciation.

Here at Martian Incorporated, We want to be YOUR villain.


Sincerely,
Razzap Snookums
CEO, Martian Incorporated.



(sounds of opening package, a ticking sound, then an explosion)

Coming Up on the Next Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast

I'm a little backed up here folks so I think this weekend's show is going to be super-sized:

• Napping
• Long Distance Dedications
• Ripping Off Carlos Mencia
• Back To School Shopping
• Sending A Message To Our Enemies
• Brilliant Idea
• Won't Someone Think Of The Children
• Much Much More?

hey kids 8/28 is the anniversary of the I Have a Dream Speech that Martin Luther King Jr. made in Washington in 1963. I know, there are aspects of it that were plagarized and Dr. King had some skeletons in his closet but do yourself a favor. Look that speech up and read it aloud.

You'll be amazed at how far we've come in some ways and how little has changed in others. It's one of those important documents like the Bill of Rights, I can't help but go back to from time to time to recharge the spirit.

Say it loud, I'm back and I'm proud

Hi folks.

I'm back from my little vacation/birthday celebration. Sorry I missed you but the departure interfered with the normal Thursday blogging and then the trip interfered with the normal Sunday show. So next week I think we're going to have a double sized super show or perhaps a normal sized show with less music. Heh.

Villains (recap)

So, I think this episode mostly speaks for itself but I did want to call your attention to something I realized while I was recording the episode.

Everybody Eats When They Come To My House could really work as a gospel song if you think that Cab Calloway is singing in the voice of Jesus. He clearly accepts everyone because he mentions all manner of ethnic name from Jewish or Chinese to Irish (Mendel, Moxshu, Mickey). And yet all are welcome. It's not The Chosen Eat When They Come To My House or If You're Really Good And Follow My Commandments You'll Eat When You Come To My House. Cab/Jesus/Allah/Brahma welcomes everybody. It's kind of a beautiful all inclusive religious message. Or... it could be that Cab was really high and thought the rhymes were funny. Either way, I dig it.

In case you didn't catch the URLs of the Black Tie Martini Club Players they are
http://daphneandtamara.libsyn.com/ Going Broke With Daphne and Tamara
http://www.letsgetnaughtypodcast.com/ Let's Get Naughty
http://www.blakslee.com/ The Man Behind Razzap Snookums.

I'm afraid

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• The Return of Razzap Snookums
• The Return of Daphne
• The debut of Tamara
• More Ben Cohen
• Much Much More!

Seriously kids, this weekend's show is going to be a Black Tie Martini Club Players fiesta! There's going to be a bunch of stuff that isn't all me me me me me me me. At least there will be if it all gets written and recorded. heh.

Now then, on to the bloggish portion of the blog. I listened to about half of the Republican debate and they all can make sense on one or two issues but then do so much crazy ass politician double speak playing to their perceived base, I'm afraid of all of them.

That said, I'll vote for anyone over Hilary Clinton who hasn't made the same deal-breaking mistakes that she has. Most of the Republicans have and most of the other Democrats aren't much better so that leaves us where next year? I don't know.

Here's why I cannot vote for Hilary although she's not the worst politician in the world and has many decent qualities; She came out hard in favor of Flag Burning legislation and I believe she came out for the Amendment as well.

I know it's weird to make that my dividing line issue since it's not immediately important to anyone and there are so many bigger problems than flag burning right now. But A. there were bigger problems when Hilary was wasting time coming out against Flag Burning because she thought it was a perfectly safe issue that meant nothing and B. A flag that you can't burn doesn't really stand for freedom anymore.

I know I'm a crazy old coot when it comes to the constitution and it really fucks up my chances of sitting at either big table come dinner time in American Politics but The Constitution of these United States supersedes all the other stuff. If you don't think that the right to Free Speech is essential to our nation's survival, how are we to trust you on the complicated stuff?

And while we're at it, if you're against the personal privacy ensured by the 4th amendment, if you are anti-choice, pro illegal wiretap, if you want to take away American's rights of privacy in the name of your gods and 'safety' how can we trust you with the complicated stuff.

And yes, if you can't understand the second amendment and don't care about protecting the right of citizens to bear arms, you don't understand the Constitution you are sworn to uphold.

So if you believe in the separation of Church and State
If you Believe in Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press
If you believe in The Right to Bear Arms
If you believe in the right to be protected from unwarranted search and seizure

Who can you vote for?

Romney, McCain, Clinton and Giuliani have all failed the above test. I bet if I knew more about more of the candidates they too would fail.

So who does that leave?

Writer's Block Extravaganza (redux)

First of all, sorry about the beginning. My internet connection died partway through uploading the file and that's what happened. WHOOPS!

McHealthy's comes from two things. The first is that anything will taste good if you batter fry it and serve it on a stick, the other is that my workplace tries really hard to get us to eat healthy but the end result is we just load up on plastic calories.

I really did have a bad case of Writer's Block all weekend and was totally stumped. That I could pull any of this out of my ass is amazing.

Amore. This came to me in the shower... I honestly don't know why. For some reason it stuck me like a warning

It is what it is. Can someone tell me where this idiotic and pointless expression has come from in the last couple weeks? I went from never hearing it before to it being on everybody's lips like herpes.

While I'm asking Questions, is Lust for Life about the Kirk Douglas movie of the same name about Vincent Van Gogh?

I think the rest speaks for itself. 100 word stories, interviews, Isaac Hayes... goodnight everybody!

apologies and a wee little mini rant

Sorry I haven't been as timely here as possible. the thing is, I had really hoped for more feedback and discussion here. Without that, I am less motivated to post I mean if I'm just talking to myself, I can do that anywhere.

That said, the British are claiming Jimi Hendrix as their own and I don't care for it. There is a series of Oxford Biographies about important and interesting Brits and this week's bio was Jimi Hendrix. Now I know he was more popular there in his life than here but it's not like he was born here and then moved to England right away like Bob Hope or Edgar Allan Poe. He didn't live in England until his 20's and even then he was back and forth a great deal due in part to the United Kingdom tangling him up in red tape over his Work Visa.

I'm sorry but if Jose Everyman tries to cross over the Texas border illegally, we kick him out, he makes it back in and stays here for a couple of years and in that time he cures cancer and then we boot him back to Mexico, when he wins the Nobel Prize for medicine, we don't get to count him as an American just like the British shouldn't get to count Hendrix.

Milestones

Coming up on this weekend's show:

We seem to be approaching things from a business standpoint with such items as How to float an IPO, Brand Loyalty Divorces, Iraq by Numbers and much much more.

Speaking of numbers, can we stop with all the milestones that don't mean anything? Every day we're hearing about the Dow reaching a new milestone. Well until the next burst of the bubble, that'll be happening for quite some time. That's how the system works. At some point it really isn't noteworthy.

Same thing with the War. The death toll isn't going to go down ever so reporting on how we've reached a new milestone in the number dead, is kind of silly. As if the 3,562nd serviceman dead is meaningless but the 3,600th is important. As if there always being a new deadliest month while we're pouring more and more targets into an increasingly unstable environment is going to cause fewer people to be killed.

Barry Bonds, on the other hand, I guess is as valid a milestone as anything but that record will be broken again in another couple decades or less, just like Hank Aaron came along to break Babe Ruth's and presumably there was another record before Ruth.

Seems like each individual home run, death, or portfolio means a lot more in it's own context than all of them together. Maybe I'm just clueless.

Assholes: Recap

I realize now that I absolutely should've used the Denis Leary song in this show... but I didn't think of it.

Information Officer: I stole this joke from a Rocket Scientist. Literally. Snazz, blogger extraordinaire, saw an information officer and thought up this premise. I only added sound effects and random wikipedia facts. In fairness to me, I did ask permission first.

Emo Emu Girl: I bought some new toys and brought them all into play here. The most obvious is a kazoo. The others are also kind of like kazoos but digital. All of the synth sounds on this song are controlled by my voice. It's amazing what they can do with gadgetry these days. You can sing a note, have a computer read the note and then generate a whole other tone at that note, in real time. I plan on abusing this technology greatly in the near future

Obviously this is a nonsense song but c'mon people, Emo songwriters totally fit under the heading of "Asshole"

Exit Only Orifice: This is a real argument I once got in. I, once again, am all for people doing whatever with their own asses but this one very nice young lady was so against the exit only argument, it took me by surprise, titilatingly.

Asshole From El Paso: gotta love Kinky!

Tums Against The War: Gut feeling? GUT FEELING?!? Gut feeling my ass! Immodium! That's the word I was looking for every time I said Pepto Bismal and Kayopectate.

Broken Hearts Are for Assholes: I know. In today's semi-politically correct society this is a completely offensive song. Oh well. It's a good song and I think I have done enough shows with a pro gay rights stance that I should be allowed to let a song full of gay jokes fly. Besides, when you get right down to it, it's really more about how uncomfortable we, straight males, are about the whole gay thing.

Or... I was a real asshole for playing it. Thematically, it works either way.

Yello Alert

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have so much to apologize for it's almost too much to bear. First of all, Podomatic, my podserver, appears to have gone insane and deleted all previous podcasts to this last one. When they come back, I wouldn't be at all surprised if this episode, Yello Alert, vanishes or you get all 123 episodes in your podcatcher showing as new. If this continues to be a problem, I will change servers. Again, I apologize for the multiple fuck ups even though they weren't anything I personally could control. Also, the last two minutes of this show got cut off, I apologize for that as well.

Speaking of Podcatchers, do not install Podcast Ready software onto your iPod. I did and it completely hosed it.

Lastly, my computer needs a new fan and is running a bit strangely because of it, and the heat, so that accounts for some of the digital hiccuping in this program.

now then on to the recap.

Zombie, came from an actual fellow named Razzap Snookums who is a strange little evil green Martian in Second Life. I was throwing one of my soirée's like I do on Wednesday nights at the Black Tie Martini Club on Edloe Island 128,128,93 (for you Second Lifers out there) and he started talking about Zombies being the new black... actually I might have started it... anyway it seemed like a perfume commercial to me, so that's how that came into being.

Trent Lott's Sheep, I know... I know... it's really goats. Somehow that short circuited in my brain and I apologize for that as well. Seriously though, he did say that he electrified his goats... which is weird.

Yellow Alert, This is all true. Why I interrupted it with the group Yello, I don't know.

Poetry, as I was working on the show, I got a fabulous work of Spam Poetry and felt I had to read it, that's how good it was. Here is the full text of said Spam

Bronze the sky, with no
Through the back of the picture at the patch of white
Wheezing ravens, when
XI. Franklin's Last Voyage
In realms of dingy gloom and deep crevasse
To run, as in the time of the bee, seeking
at balls hit again and again toward her offspring.
My only thought is for what has
Hoarfrost is in his bones and on his head,
Covering the land—
Only a fox whose den I cannot find.
With sun's warmth wasted on a stone,
And then I go on until I am beneath an archway,
Its consciousness of my white consciousness,
As if your absence now concluded long ago.
That neither the motionless farm couple trudging
As if your absence now concluded long ago.
He terrifies the Vast, he seems so wild;
Dismal, endless plain—

The Jew, credit where credit is due Chris's Platypus Society is here: http://www.platypus-society.net/blog/ and Laurence's Is Full of Crap empire is here: http://isfullofcrap.com/ I'm not really sure where this idea popped out of but I have random rhymes flowing between my ears all the time.. blame them?

Catharsis, Honestly, the depression over how fucked up our federal system of govt has gone lately, is a huge factor in my not doing a show last week. For the record I was ranting about Price Fixing, Bush not responding to Subpoenas about the Department of Justice firings, Campaign Finance, Bong Hits 4 Jesus, Pardoning Scooter Libby and Dick Cheney claiming he's not part of the executive Branch

Osama Bin Laden Sex tape, Someone mentioned a new tape coming out and with all the Paris Hilton talk, I put 2 and 2 together. Then I was reminded of this old vaudevillian "No, that's good" bit and thought it would be especially amusing if the straight man stopped playing along. The explosions were just a Pythonesque act of desperation

Where's The Show?

Sorry folks but between technical difficulties and my hours changing at work and the Supreme Court rendering me unconstitutional, things have been a bit chaotic.

Hopefully the show will be up on Wednesday for your 4th of July enjoyment.

P.S. Don't ever try to use Podcast Ready with an iPod. You'll have a really pretty expensive paperweight.

Terrified by SCOTUS

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• A new Cologne
• You say you want a revolution?
• God retires
• Much Much More!

I'm beginning to be frightened by the Supreme Court of The United States. This week while many were on vacation, especially in the broadcast media, they passed some really heavy decisions including two on free speech, an issue near and dear to my heart.

The first ruling was about Campaign Finance Reform. They struck down a portion of McCain Feingold that barred private groups from airing attack ads past a certain point in the campaign.

If you need a little back story on this: Campaign Finance laws are in effect because we don't want candidates to be beholden to particular rich backers. One way around the limits on how much an individual can contribute to a political campaign is through PACs which are private issue oriented groups that can't support a particular candidate but can attack one. So rather than donate to your candidate you simply pay to attack his or her opponent and this circumnavigates the restrictions placed on donations. Many people feel that this sort of thing corrodes the political debate in this country.

However the Supreme Court decided that the Free Speech of the Political Action Committees was more important than the potential harm it would do to society. I might argue that paying for political ads is actually expensive speech and McCain Feingold doesn't stop anyone from expressing their view on the street corner or in a blog or even in an ad on YouTube but when you tell me Free Speech trumps all, I have to back down.

The second Free Speech case was about the Bong Hits 4 Jesus kid. In this case SCOTUS ruled that it isn't impinging the kids free speech for him to be expelled from school even though he wasn't in school when he displayed his banner.

The reasoning on why Bong Hits 4 Jesus doesn't get afforded the same kind of Free Speech protection as... EVERYTHING ELSE is because it's speech that they disagree with. They feel that it advocated marijuana use which is bad and therefore it's not covered under Free Speech. I know, it sounds like I'm making that up but that's really the crux of their argument.

If in both cases they had argued that the public good was harmed by this kind of Free Speech and would be better served by limiting rights, they would've been consistent. If they had argued that in both cases the right to Free Speech trumps all other concerns, they would've been constitutionally correct. Saying Free Speech that helps their cronies is good but Free Speech they dislike doesn't deserve protection is frankly terrifying.

Of course this is the same court that said that whistle blowers in the federal government aren't allowed freedom of speech either.

Another ruling just today was that Price Fixing is now legal again. For many years decades even, it has been the prevailing thought that a free market was more fair than an unfair market. The Supreme Court feels that is limiting the rights of corporations.

The reason all of this scares me is that with all of the recent abuses of Executive Privilege where the presidents and Vice President are refusing to turn over documents about potential crimes and refusing to submit to subpoenas, and Dick Cheney's asserting that he's not in the Executive Branch but the Legislative Branch and therefore isn't subject to the same laws as the Executive; are all things that if pushed will wind up in the Supreme Court. I am shaken to the core of my being as I think about this packed Court okaying blatant constitutional violations, violations that rock the very fabric of this nation, all out of a sense of party loyalty.

This really does keep me up nights.

Talking About Talking (recap)

Shakespearemint Gum: this stupidly enough just comes from my seeing something that was spearmint and free associating. Don't try this at home, I'm criminally insane. Your mind should not work like that.

Your Mind is On Vacation and your mouth is working overtime: I know that technically this isn't talking about talking but I had so many songs about talking, I had to get some of them in.

Outtake fun: I heard these the first time on Steve Dahl's show a million years ago but when I heard the Kasey Casem bit on Distorted View Daily recently, I felt I had to share them with you. These really crack me up every time I hear them.

There is more to the Orson Welles piece. As you might be able to tell from the Pinky and the Brain bit, there was a problem where Orson had to re-record something because there was a "gonk" somewhere in the recording. If you really like this stuff, you can also find a fair number of Orson Welles video outtakes of him being too drunk to do TV commercials.

How terrible it is to have made the greatest film of all time in one's 20's and then be reduced to this crap for another four decades.

It is Maurice LaMarche not Lawrence LaMarche. I cringe every time I hear myself say that.

It kills me that they did a whole cartoon parodying something that I think most people have never heard.

Brilliant Idea and Telephone Licenses: not surprisingly both of these ideas came to me at work. I really do think that it would be nice to only let certain people use phones... especially if I'm not one and the computer really should start a few minutes early.

Cocaine: I don't remember where this idea came from but once it did, I really wanted to have the announcer interrupt the legal stuff for a much longer aside that has nothing to do with anything... I chickened out and made it too short.

Juneteenth

Coming up on this weekends show:

• Cultural Literacy of Outtakes
• Telephone Service
• Cocaine
• Much Much More

The people of Texas are informed that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired labor. The freedmen are advised to remain quietly at their present homes and work for wages. They are informed that they will not be allowed to collect at military posts and that they will not be supported in idleness either there or elsewhere.

Also, Jun 19th is officially listed as Garfield (the cat)'s birthday. Which means that rather than being a particularly unfunny Comic Strip, Garfield may actually be a metaphor for the fate of the emancipated black man in America.

Consider: He beats the crap out of Odie who is the symbol of southern oppression being that he's not only white but a dog, like the dogs used to hunt down escaped slaves questing for their freedom. Odie drools too like the stereotype of the inbred yokel.

Consider: Nermal is the next generation coming up but he has no substance to him, he's all surface. He represents the hip hop generation that is more concerned with bling and 'stret cred' than the struggle for equality

Consider: Jon Arbuckle represents the government. He appears to be dimwitted and to cowtow to Garfield's needs but let's face it, Garfield may be emancipated but he isn't really free is he? Jon owns that cat and seems all but completely indifferent to any of Garfield's attempts to change the status quo and make his voice heard.

Fun For The Whole Family Recap

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Cost of Doing Business

Coming up on this weekends show:

• The Presidents Council on Sexual Fitness
• Sponsorship of Gay Pride Parades
• Many Special Announcements
• Childhood memories desecrated

I have a proposition for the FCC, either define once and for all what counts as news or stop requiring broadcast stations to broadcast news in the public interest. As it stands now, the FCC is essentially mandating a daily Paris Hilton update.

For those of you who aren't up on the history of the FCC, the reason every station broadcasts news is that they have to. They've never made money broadcasting news, it's never drawn as many people as entertainment but they used to look at it as the price of doing business.

They get to use the public airwaves, that's airwaves that technically, you and I own, in a way that basically lets them print money. They're allowed to use it because we let them. We figured they're willing to buy transmitters and we want to see Jack Benny so let's allow them to use our airwaves but the FCC mandates that because they make money off of our airwaves, broadcasters should be required to contribute to the public interest by keeping us updated on what is happening.

There was a time when it was simply accepted as the cost of doing business and even though they didn't make money with news, networks found they could win awards and enhance the value of their corporate brand by having beloved newscasters and good journalism. Think of the kind of reporting that was done by Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite and then compare that to today's top "journalists" Chris Hanson from 'To Catch a Predator"? The Daily Show?

Over time broadcast companies and stations got cocky. They figured since they're making so much money and since TV is so ensconced in American life, they shouldn't have to pay the price of doing business anymore. They started cutting news budgets, stopped investing in news bureaus and started trying to make the news more like entertainment.

Now, the news is virtually nothing but entertainment anyway. We should either tighten the restrictions on what should count as news or let them use that time to do real entertainment. I feel like I can almost guarantee that once they don't have to even pretend to cover news, we'll hear a whole lot less about the Paris Hiltons or Anna Nicole Smiths of this world and maybe the remaining news sources can go back to reporting on the news.

By the way, this new thing of not wanting to pay the cost of doing business, is running rampant through our society. Every corporation these days wants a handout. It used to be that health insurance and retirement benefits were seen as a cost of doing business. No one would work without those things.

I guess we the people, have just lowered our standards to the point past which we feel we can raise them again. Ah well, democracy is as good as the people taking part, eh?

Gone on Vacation

Ladies and Gentlemen,

This weekends show will probably be posted by the time you read this blog. Because I'm leaving town here in a couple of hours, I asked the great and powerful Laurence Simon of 100 Word Stories Podcast fame to fill in for me and he has done so admirably. Coming up on this weekend's show:

• Happy Days
• Abortion
• Microwaving Babies
• Tech Support
• Much Much More

So come on along for an exciting time that is also, full of crap.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Sorry about their not being a show this week. It has been a week of massive upheaval and personal stress. Not only was this a short week because of the holiday but I moved offices this week and it took two whole days as opposed to the normal 15 minutes it normally takes to pick your shit up and walk down the hall. I'm also having something of an anxiety attack about going out of town next weekend (but that's not really any of your business) and then on top of all that, there's this whole Second Life thing.

Laurence from www.podcasting.isfullofcrap.com and the whole isfullofcrap.com empire bought himself an island this weekend in Second Life. It's called Edloe Island, and if you search for edloe you'll find your way there. In the middle of the island there is a giant clocktower and in the middle of the giant clocktower there is a Black Tie Martini Club. That's right you can go there and drink, dance and be merry without me even being there. It took a lot of time to get set up which is why I haven't done as much work on the show as I normally would have.

What does it look like? Well here's a picture of the main ballroom.


And then here's a picture of the funky lounge area above it.


There will be a grand opening type celebration probably in ten days to two weeks. It will be delayed because of my vacation that I'd rather not talk about.

So again, I'm really sorry not to have done a show this week and then next week, the aforementioned Laurence Simon will be guest hosting the Black Tie Martini Club Oddcast for me. So be kind.

The Black Tie Martini Club is Opening Soon!

I'll be honest folks. As of 1:30 AM Friday morning, I have no clue what is going to be on this weekend's show.

You see, I've been completely distracted during the day by moving offices and at night by Second Life.

But coming very soon in Second Life will be a live (virtual) Black Tie Martini Club. Complete with music and martinis and all the things that make Second Life worth living.

I guess I'll be talking a bit about that on this weekend's show. And probably I'll brainstorm something else... Let's hope so, huh?

The Good The Bad and The Ugly (though not necessarily in that order) - recap

The idea for the How To Talk To Your Kids About Satan, came from... I don't remember what set me off but it started as My First Meth Lab. Like one of those playsets for toddlers where they can pretend to be grown up. I tried out a variety of things that would be just too horrible for little kids to do and switched it to a self help pamphlet.

The Squirrel Song, I'm sorry that the drums and Chris Walken are so bad on that. Unfortunately that is the only version I have left. That was originally mixed down on a 4-track cassette recorder and put out on my Tape, The Worlds Best Fictional Bands. I think that song was by Serge and Sam.

It's actually, the same chord structure as "Learning The Blues" a Frank Sinatra song. I was trying to show my friend Andrei how to play it and he kept getting the timing wrong and starting singing about squirrels. I helped finish the lyrics and arrange it so people wouldn't immediately go, "Isn't that a Sinatra song?" Even though it's not a high quality recording, it still is one of my favorites. I absolutely can't sing that high anymore.

Great Moments in the History of Royalty is based on a true fact about Hank 8. It's one of those weird bits of history that has always freaked me out. For the record, he was also the king who associated stank with disease and really encouraged cleanliness in a way that was seen as downright weird by Britain's finest.

How To Talk To Your Kids About Religion. turns out, it's actually about Alcohol. It just struck me that most of their arguments would fit just as well about religion and it's effects. Except for replacing the one term with the other, it's all straight from the Govt.

Honestly, I'm fascinated by the FCIC and it's many many pamphlets and brochures. They have one booklet for immigrants that should be given to every person at 18 just in case. Most of the advice in there is really obvious but its all stuff that will bite you in the ass if you don't know it.

The News. I don't know why but I was in a big tongue twister mode this week. Still, you have to admit, not enough people write new tongue twisters.

The New Covenant This all started from George Carlin's bit about why do people pray on the Sabbath when it's supposed to be God's day off? This also came from an Idea I had back in the days when Rudy Roy Moore was pimping the 10 Commandments in the Alabama Courthouse. The notion to merge those two things... just sort of happened. Still, I think we could all live by those rules pretty well.

America's Favorite Non-Threatening Black Entertainers

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• Nazi's, Rap and Gymnastics
  
• How to talk to your kids about...
• Great Moments in The History of Royalty
• A Bible Lesson
• much much more?

There's a bit that won't be in this weekend's show that is bugging the hell out of me. I had this idea that it would be really funny to have Wayne Brady and David Alan Grier, who are both immensely talented singers, comedians, and actors and have reputations as manic improvisers; starring in a very serious drama. I was thinking of something from theatre, a classic, maybe Glengarry Glen Ross, Master Harold and the Boys, No Exit, something of that ilk that requires great strength and seriousness. The obvious catch would be that they would approach this work like they're other work and riff comedically and sing through it. It would be beautifully inappropriate and might even touch on the concept that America's most beloved non-threatening Black Men are fine, so long as they are playing the clown.

But there were two obvious catches to this concept. The first is that I don't have copies of any of these great plays on me and probably couldn't get one for free in time. The second is that I don't do an impersonation of either of those two men that is even close to passable.

That said, if you know either of them, or both of them, I'd very much like to get them to completely fuck up some serious drama together. I think that would be brilliant theatre and art on many levels and entertaining to boot.

Celebrate (recap)

Okay, the whole thing starts with a dog. A friend of mine, the same friend discussed in last night's program and last week's program about intolerance, had a dog with a tumor. The tumor turned out to be cancerous and was surgically removed. At the time, about a week ago, she was told that the dog would probably have six months to a year before things got too bad and the dog had to be put to sleep. So she resigned herself to make the dog's time as good as possible.

Then a couple of weeks ago, the tumor came back. It came back fast and large. So it was eventually decided on that it would be more humane to give the dog a very short and good life than a slightly longer one full of pain, drugs and immobility.

This all hit me very hard. Not only because of her pain but because it seemed incredibly unfair. I know cancer never seems exactly fair but on an older person, they've usually engaged in some kind of risky behavior to make it seem less absurd. Even in an older dog, you could kind of understand it. But this was a young and otherwise very healthy dog. A dog with big sad brown eyes. The fact that you can't explain cancer to a dog also makes the whole thing extra hard to deal with. At least for me.

Anyway, because of all this sorrow. I was thinking about this particular friend a fair amount and also I was generally out of sorts about life. So I thought I would try to combat my own sorrow and discomfort with a celebration.

This same friend, who was on my mind, saved my life a couple years ago now after not really being in contact for some time. But back around the time when we first met, many years ago, she once gave me just about the most romantic sort of moment. It was a spur of the moment thing but in a mutual friend's house in Indiana, she read I Sing The Body Electric to me while petting my hair as I rested my head in her lap.

I thought I would try to re-create that for you all. Admittedly, my version isn't nearly as sexy but I'm not nearly as sexy an individual. Also, she wasn't trying to fit any of it to music. Looking back on it, I should've recorded each chapter individually and fit the music to it afterward but the notion came to me as I was listening to Chicken and Biscuits and I wanted to recreate the moment of the first idea as faithfully as possible. Perhaps it would've been better to forego that immediacy for a more polished approach but my instinct is always that a flawed spontaneous moment is more interesting than a perfect planned one. If you have opinions on this, I'd love to hear them, as always.

Anyway, she's gotten another dog now. It seems a little soon but it is a helpful distraction for her and the other dog in the house so perhaps all is well that ends well.

Don't worry, next weekend we'll be back with more inappropriate humor and barbed attacks at the current state of politics.

What if Jerry Falwell was right?

Coming up on this weekend's show:

• I Sing The Body Electric
• Good News
• A complete lack of politics or controversy

In among all the talk about Falwell, those who loved him and hated him all had something to say, one thing that kept getting mentioned was his saying that AIDS was God's Punishment of Homosexuals.

Most people write that off as the insane drivelings of an inbred lunatic but what if it were true?

Just imagine, if you will, that the 18,000 or so deaths from HIV/AIDS in North America are because God is punishing Homosexuals. First of all, why wouldn't God pick something that worked better? I mean at least something that air doesn't kill. HIV is a huge wimp in the Virus game. You can't kill the common cold with anything mankind has found but HIV dies if you blow on it; literally!

Also compare 18,000 to other things that kill people in this country... Like cars. 43,000 people die every year from automobiles just in this country, the 18,000 figure for AIDS includes Canada. So who is God punishing, Gays or Drivers?

And then, of course there are the 654,000 who die from Heart Disease mostly from obesity and smoking. Wait a second... wasn't Jerry Falwell obese? Didn't he die from Heart Disease? God must've been punishing him. Him and the other 543,999 Americans who will die from it this year.

So if God really is punishing the homosexuals with AIDS, he's punishing all of us with cars twice as much and he really is punishing all of us who eat too much, smoke or drink. So the good news is, even if HIV is God's disease to punish the gays, he doesn't hate them a tenth as much as he hates fatties.

God Hates Fatties? Somehow I don't see that being alarming enough for Shirley Phelps.

The Lighter Side of Intolerance (recap)

Wow, I guess more of this has to do with my workplace than I realized. I work in a health system and the Darwin's Hospital idea came to me while I was dealing with a patient we had fired for being a pain in the ass. You didn't even know that hospitals could fire patients did you? Neither did I.

By the way, I'm almost as sick of George Tenet at this point as I am of Paris Hilton. As far as I'm concerned they could both go on a nice vacation somewhere so long as they stay out of the news.

The Fabulous 50's night was a real corporate outing that I actually didn't go to but I kept seeing the flyers for it and imagining what it would be like if they celebrated the way the 50's really were. I've had that idea in my notebook for a while but thought I could bring it out for the intolerance show as a way of demonstrating how intolerance can suck you in and make you feel good about yourself if you aren't on the receiving end of it and how you might not even notice anything wrong for a while.

The conversation about how much intolerance is out there on the streets also came from work because I had noticed we have an Office of Diversity website that is very poorly designed. To be fair, it's new. The Useful Resources section was completely empty except for a link to some consulting firm but elsewhere on the site, in a completely unrelated area, there was a link to the only diversity group at my place of work. The diversity group is a GLBT group, and when I pointed it out to my friend, she said they had had so many complaints about the group's existence at all, it wasn't a surprise that the link would be hard to find.

What stunned me is that if they weren't just saying there had been complaints because they thought there would be complaints, then someone complained to an Office of Diversity because they were too diverse! My mind was blown. It still is. I can't imagine who finishes and sends that complaint because it seems like no matter how much you hated gays, you'd realize that an Office of Diversity just didn't share your views at all. And from there the conversation moved on to whole just how much intolerance is acceptable to display.

Racist foods obviously came from all the talk recently about Aunt Jemimah, Rastus, and Frito Bandito because of how Uncle Ben, has been upgraded from Uncle Tom to executive. Honestly, I hadn't given it much thought but I like both Cream of Wheat and Aunt Jemimah and never really paid attention to the fact that their spokes-characters were also spokes-characters for institutionalized racism. I still wonder why you don't have more of that, though you could make some argument I suppose that Italian food has a fair amount of weird stereotype characters.

Coke vs. Hep-C has nothing to do with anything I just kind of walk around rhyming like an idiot much of the time.

Private Dicks

First of all, I have to show you this:
Aren't they the cutest couple?

Coming up on this week's show:

• Offensive Cereal
• Gay Cops
• The Coke Challenge
• And Much Much More!

It occurred to me this week that if you take the stylized verbiage of classic pulp crime fiction and throw homosexuality into it, there's an awful lot of unintended double entendre. You could probably stage dramatizations of old noir tales with an obviously gay lead and get laughs for days.

Think about the lingo: There's a lot of talk about partners, "When a guy's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it.", Rods, "I felt his rod press into my back and did what he said.", Dicks, "A chill went through me when I saw those dicks enter the room; I had to do something fast.", plus guys getting fingered, guys getting pinched, guys taking it on the chin and going down hard, and just about everybody has to blow sooner or later.

It wouldn't be at all out of place for someone to incorporate it all into a narrative like this. "When I saw the dick, I knew someone had squawked and I had been fingered. I grabbed my rod and let him know he was going to have it hard if he tried to pinch me. The seamus came closer and took it hard on the chin and went down. I knew right then I had to blow and blow good if I wanted to stay out of the can."

Thank god for the Hayes code, eh?

Bonus Post: The Text of the song

If anyone wants a copy without a talk up just email me and I'll mail you the MP3

I am the very model of a bad attorney General

I've information criminal immoral and unethical

I know the chief executive I have supported him for years

Even when he would do cocaine and used to drink a lot of beers

I'm very well acquainted, too, with all matters political 

I wrote the defense of torture though it is hypocritical

I invented the theory of the unified executive

Whatever my boss wants to do, is only his perogative

Whatever his boss wants to do, is only his perogative

Whatever his boss wants to do, is only his perogative

Whatever his boss wants to do, is only his peroga-agog-ative

I'm very good at mangling anything that is logical

I argued habeas corpus was not quite constitutional

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

I am the very model of a bad attorney General

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

He is the very model of a bad attorney General

To me those checks and balances are merely something trivial

And the Geneva conventions are merely something optional

International laws I feel should be considered much more vague

Or one day we will be on trial for war crimes in front of the hague

I believe all abuse of power is thoroughly acceptable

I even fired prosecutors for reasons quite political

I data mine your phone records, your wire transfers and other things

I feel its quite acceptable to spy upon our citizens

He feels its quite acceptable to spy upon our citizens

He feels its quite acceptable to spy upon our citizens

He feels its quite acceptable to spy upon our citi-citi-zens

Then with a simple signing statement I can just ignore a bill

Even though legislation is supposed to come from on the hill

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

I am the very model of a bad attorney General

In short, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

He is the very model of a bad attorney General

When testifying I may seem to know almost nothing at all

To congress I can only say that I just really can’t recall

They’ve really made a fool of me, though I am the president’s voice

I’ll never be a supreme court justice because I am pro-choice

Even John Ashcroft thinks that I have overstepped my legal role

And turned the Department of Justice into the worst kind of hole

In short, when my record is looked at in the light of history

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a gee

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a gee

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a gee

You'll say a worse Attorney General had never sat a sat a gee

My history is one of hard work and one of due diligence

A lowly son of immigrants who has risen to prominence

But still, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

I am the very model of a bad Attorney General

But still, in matters criminal immoral and unethical

He is the very model of a bad Attorney General

The Great American Blowhard

First of all, I have to apologize for thinking of the title after I did the show. If I had started from the Great American Blowhard premise, I would've taken more people down a peg. I would've mentioned that Tyra Banks is in the Time 100 list for saying it's okay to be fat even though she spent a month in the tabloids railing against paparazzi who took a picture of her where she looked fat. I would've mentioned a thing or two about the man who pushes abstinence for the White House resigning because his name was on a list of johns. And most importantly I would've taken shots and not only George Tenet but all the people in the media who feel that taking him down a peg for not speaking up when it mattered, takes them off the hook for not speaking up when it mattered. But enough of that, there's a corpse to dissect and lets get hopping

Intro-

Don't bother trying to reverse the backward masking portion of the intro, if it was interesting played forward, I wouldn't have reversed it.

If I sound a little manic during the into, it's only because I had been recording for a very long time at that point and was having one of those nights where every time I hit record, my upstairs neighbors would run back and forth in their apartment. The sound of that recorded is not entirely unlike the sound of pachyderms playing tennis. So I was a little edgy at having to spend an incredibly long time at something so simple

The First Church of American Atheism-

This began as the concept of Stripper Church many years ago when I read a news story about Alabama banning the sale of sex toys. It occurred to me at that time that if one made the sale of sex toys part of their religion, they could still sell them in church no matter how repressive a bible belt state they lived in.

Since then, any time anything is banned or otherwise restricted,. I cannot help but think that some church with come along and make that part of it and skirt the law that way. Hell if American Indians can smoke Peyote and Christian Scientists can keep medicine from their kids, why not a church that lets you just do what the hell you want.

The Very Model of A Bad Attorney General-

Okay folks, I have never sung light opera before. I've never even heard the real version of the song, only other parodies. And yet, I felt urged on to make fun of Gonzales in this way. It would be better if someone who didn't smoke constantly tried to sing it though. I can't deny that.

The Carnival Hunk-

It started with eating fire. I thought it would be easy to get the sound effect portion recorded but it turns out all the things I tried to record were too quiet to sound like much. Because I record on a computer, there is an awful lot of fan noise in the room. That's a major reason why I almost always have music behind me when I speak. Anyway, I soldiered on and tried to cover the not so well executed concept with a lot of bluster. This bluster reminded me of Tom Waits' Carnival Talker character in the song, which reminded me of the Coasters, which reminded me of Groucho and hence a theme was born. The part of fire was played by a bag of floss picks and a slice of home made spinach and pepperoni stuffed pizza. It was delicious.

Scrotum Ironing-

I believe this came as a response to some wrinkle cream that was supposed to remove wrinkles from people who were old enough to have them. I don't really get why you'd want to do that. If you've earned them, they usually look pretty cool, at least to me. Anyway, I thought of where else you might unnaturally try to remove wrinkles and the scrotum came to mind. I think the fact that I had failed with sound effects on the Fire Eating bit, made me overdo the sound effects here but I like overdone sound effects most of the time because I do like sound effects and can just listen to them all day for no reason. It's a curse.

Obviously the Bob Wills song is just a cheap ball gag... not a ball gag like to gag on but... oh never mind. By the way do you ever think about how scrotum rhymes with throat em? I once saw a small time Chicago rock act use that rhyme in a song, a long time ago, and I've been incredibly jealous ever since.

Public Radio Talent Contest

Coming up on this week's show:

• Lucky Charms Gone Bad
• Alberto Gonzales Sings The Blues
• Stupid Carnival Tricks
  
• and much much more.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Before we go any further, go here http://www.publicradioquest.com/node/622 and vote for yours truly, please. It's a radio style reality show and the ultimate winner gets their chance to produce and pitch their own Public Radio program. Vote for me now, and I'll totally hook you up with a tote bag later when I'm kicking it with Carl Kasel.

Bali Haijinx

Should I maybe do a Bali Haiku?

I love Bali Hai
It Is The Immigrant Song
Downtown Stuck In Head

Seriously, the show mostly speaks for itself. It's all based on a true story. Although, I'll tell you the best place to find Musical Oddities: shoddity.com
That's where I got both Johnny Puleo and the version of Poor People of Paris I played.

But get this, the guy who requested Downtown as William S. Burroughs, he didn't like the version so well. It was too produced, he wanted Burroughs to just recite it. Exactly how he didn't request it.

The Lighter Side of School Shootings (recap)

So, what do you think? Was it too soon?

I didn't really mean to go off on the shooting in quite that way. Obviously, the hypocrisy of the National Tragedy vs. all the other comparable "unimportant" tragedy was something that had me riled up all week, especially after the White House Correspondent's Dinner. But it wasn't until I was putting the show together that I realized I had a couple other songs that were songs about actual school shootings.

When it hit me how nearly everyone of a certain age has sung, "I Don't Like Mondays" including most of the people who have lost their minds over this National Tragedy, the absurdity of that was like a slap in the face and I had to push hard in the opposite direction.

So far, no one has actually complained but I wouldn't exactly blame them if they did. It may have been a bit much.

I had thought of the Hey Cho bit as soon as I heard his name. I thought of another similar parody too but had decided early on that either one would be too insensitive even for me. If it wasn't for the Sunday chat shows and the over analysis of the whole thing, the politicizing of it by both sides, I would've just made it a short little pre-best of show.

I was pretty well whupped from the extremely harsh work week. I really had planned on not mentioning the shootings at all. The best laid plans, eh?

Anyway, I'm sorry if it was too soon for anyone but it is true that there will be a time when we do laugh at it, when it becomes a punchline... or is completely forgotten about. One of the two.

Nothing to say but something to see

Still exahusted. Still looking to pass out any second now.

But first, you have to dig this poster Death and Taxes: A Visual Guide to Where Your Federal Tax Dollars Go

This may not be a website where you can actually see your literal contribution to each agency but it is the next best thing and quite impressive in it's own right. I can only assume that next weeks show will be less preachy and the best of shows are very entertaining. At least for me they are.

Oh you say men rule the world but...

Coming up on this weekends show:

• hindsight on Imus
• Where did your taxes go?
• Brand Loyalty Marriage (and divorce)
• Cute Furry Piranhas
• Much Much More?

It occured to me this morning as I was thinking about writing a classic "the sexes don't understand each other" kind of trite piece of crap blog entry that if men really did rule the world, our economic system would be based on semen.

The dollar wouldn't be tied to the gold standard, the silver standard, or the GNP, it would be tied to semen. Any healthy man would be guaranteed a certain amount of sustainable income based on his ability to produce it and women would be guaranteed an even higher amount of sustainable income based on men's constant desire to share our semen.

Obviously, you'd still need to have some other form of representational currency. If you had to bust a nut every time you wanted to buy a pack of gum at the 7-11, the line would be out the door (and it probably wouldn't be especially sanitary) but if you were ever really short on cash, you could always make a little bit of money for yourself by thinking about Raquel Welsh.

Now, I know what you're thinking. except for making new life, semen isn't especially valuable. But neither was gold really. Gold is valuable now because of it's conductive properties with electronics but before the modern age it was only valuable because we decided it was. Sure, gold is a hell of a lot rarer then semen but it's much easier to keep in your pocket, so semen still stands up as valuable.

Women would have virtually no place except as sex objects and baby makers.

The fact that our system isn't nearly as misogynistic as the semen based society doesn't prove that Men don't in fact rule the world of course, it only proves that it wasn't a conscious effort on men's part to rule the world. If we had really set out to make a perfect society for us, the semen system would be way more advantageous than our current system.

Helpful Hints For The Post Modern Consumer

You may have noticed that Helpful Hints contained an awful lot of 60's Shopping Music style stuff. That really wound up being the basis for everything on the show.

It all started with Steve Dahl. Chicago Radio: The Steve Dahl Show on WCKG I grew up listening to Steve Dahl and I still listen via Podcast even though I'm no longer in Chicago. Last week he was talking about how he had been searching for the Capitol Hi-Q series of production music from the 60's and how he'd found something similar on a Swedish Blog but he never mentioned the URL for the blog.

So I wrote him, my idol, asking for the link. As a sidenote I once got thrown off the air for being too much like Steve Dahl. It's always the idols who get you into trouble that you appreciate the best. I wanted to offer him something in exchange so I told him about the Smithsonian Folkways' Background Music for Home Movies CDs from 1961 and 1962 which can be found on MP3 music downloads at eMusic cheaply or through the Smithsonian Folkways website for almost twenty bucks a pop.

In the matter of two hours Steve had written back giving me the link. Ultra Swank - Lifestyle Adventures
And there they have a couple CD's worth of currently unavailable shopping style music. And if you like that kind of thing, you can find a lot of links to other sites that share unreleased lounge music, much of which will be featured on future shows.

Anyway, as I was listening to these wonderful tracks, I started talking over them and everything on the show came from middle of the night improvisations on the first listenings of these wonderful tracks.

About half of the time I write pieces based on the music and half of the time the music comes along after the first edit of a piece and then I edit the rest of the piece to fit the music.

I think the reason these particular pieces were so dark is because the weather went from 80 degrees to snow in a day. When the weather is nice, I get prolific and when the weather is ugly, I get dark. Combine the two kinds of weather together and you get a lot of small ugly pieces put together.

The one exception to that is the Ben Cohen piece which is just a reaction to a Ted Nugent interview I heard. I love the Nuge's music and his crazy ass, march to the beat of a different drum, energy but he is the biggest blowhard on the planet too. Plus, I had some really good Pink Lady apples.